


Self Inflicted Achromatic

by MonochromeMog



Series: Vocaloid Songs Inspired Fanfics [17]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Caring Gabriel, Comforting Gabriel, First POV, Hallucifer, Hurt Sam, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Sam, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Season 8, Self Harm, Suicidal Sam, Trigger Warnings, sam centric, sucidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-07-26 18:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7585789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonochromeMog/pseuds/MonochromeMog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam overthinks. </p><p>Gabriel is there to set him right. </p><p>Because he loves Sam. </p><p>*WARNINGS INSIDE.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Inflicted Achromatic

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Suicide, sucidal thoughts, insecurities, low self esteem issues, 
> 
> Please don't read if these trigger you. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own SPN or its characters. 
> 
> This is based off of the Hatsune Miku song, Self Inflicted Achromatic.

Self Inflicted Achromatic 

 

I want to be a person just like my brother. 

I want to be a person. 

But I'm insane. 

I'm a monster. 

But I keep my thoughts inside and away from prying eyes. 

I'm careful on a hunt, my mind is blank, I focus more clearly. I don't feel that insane. 

When I'm not busy, when my hands don't feel the weight of the gun, my thoughts start to wander. 

The cage flashes through my mind when I'm not busy. Sometimes, I feel like taking the gun within my hands and shooting myself. 

I don't know what stops me. 

Lucifer's loud, obnoxious taunting doesn't stop me. 

I don't know what does. 

 

Once, I asked Dean, 

"Hey, if I died tomorrow... Would anyone miss me?" 

He looked surprised. Why did he look surprised? 

"Of course, Sammy! People love you. I love you. Gabriel loves you. If you left, I would go insane." 

Nah, I don't think that's true at all.

If the world was kind, then maybe so. 

 

I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby. 

People died because of me. 

I started the apocalypse. Freed Lucifer of his cage. I don't know what I did when soulless. I didn't look for Dean in Purgatory. 

So, no one would care if I died, right?

 

When I'm alone, I usually ask myself aloud, 

"If I die tomorrow, would millions of people jump for joy?"

And, Lucifer's voice would always pierce through the thin veil that was my self esteem. 

"Of course, nobody loves you." 

I would always believe him. 

 

When I go out, people stare at me. 

They know I've messed up on all accounts. 

I can feel their judging eyes burning into my back. 

They look at me with fear. 

I couldn't blame them. 

I'm always half awake, half asleep. My eyes are dark, a frown is ever present on my face. 

I may as well be Lucifer if I wasn't his destined vessel. 

No one wants me near them. 

I'll contaminate them with my blood. 

I'm sick. 

I'm sick. 

Sicksicksicksicksicksicksick... 

I'm poor, sick, Sammy... 

But I don't deserve that title.

I'm monster Sam. 

The one who destroys everything he sees. 

I should be put down... 

Before I hurt someone else. 

 

With my final hour in sight, I wonder

"Would doing this help?"

If I press this cold gun to my head and pull the trigger, would everything be fixed? 

I could only hope so.

But, there's a knock on my door. 

I hide the weapon under my pillow. 

I answer the door. 

I'm met with sunshine as my angel smiles at me. 

He looks worried. 

Why is he worried? 

He shouldn't be. 

I'm fine. 

I'm fine. 

Finefinefinefinefinefinefine... 

"I love you, Sammy." 

With gentleness, he presses his lips to my mine, holding my face. He looks deeply into my eyes when he pulls back, his hot breath against my cheek. 

"I love you, Sammy. Please, don't do this. If you do it, I'll follow. I'll never leave you, Sammy." 

There's a burning sensation behind my eyes as I feel tears build up. I wrap my arms around the smaller man, burying my head in his neck and breathing him in. 

I sobbed quietly, listening to Gabriel's soft reassurances and relaxing as he rubs my back. 

"It's okay, Sammy, it's okay..." 

No, no, it will never be okay. 

I'm sick. 

Evil. 

A monster. 

A burden. 

I'm insane. 

Insaneinsaneinsaneinsaneinsaneinsaneinsane

But, if Gabriel is by my side... 

I'm willing to try and live...

I'll try to be sane. 

For him. 

For Gabriel.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Have a nice day! This was just something quick because it's very late, I just wanted to write something. ^^
> 
> Link to the song (Japanese) - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=74f_dqA70gM  
> Link to the song (English) - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XQSpcETiM3E


End file.
